Goodbye 2012!

  It's been a hell of a year! 2012 was interesting. Nine months of it were spent as a "single mom" of sorts. During that time I realized I am nowhere near superwoman. Or maybe I am, but I still need help sometimes. And I need people to remind me of that and push me to get the help I need. I am not ashamed to admit that some of that help came in the form of a pill bottle. It is what it is. It works for me, and helps my family function.

  My girls have grown so much. I can't believe how big they all are. I became the mother of a TEENAGER! ::GULP::  They are all amazing. My little (and last) baby isn't little anymore. She will turn 2 in less than 3 weeks. How does that even happen??

Tonight we will be partying it up with friends at a family friendly party! Can't wait! I will definitely have pictures, I'm sure it will be entertaining. For now, here are a few photos from 2012!

Welcome Home Daddy!

   Robert made it home on Thursday! After a few delays, we finally got to see him! It has been wonderful having him here. Of course it has been an adjustment, but it is so worth it and he is the best Christmas present ever! Here are a few photos!

  

 Then when we got home, Daddy had a surprise for Kassidy!!!!! It was her Elf on the Shelf, Princess Jingle! Apparently, when Santa brought the snow that delayed Daddy's flight, he also gave him her elf to bring home. She was SO excited!

Anticipation

   So Robert is officially out of Afghanistan! He isn't home yet, but he is on his way. He has a few more stops before he makes it to us in a few days. The anticipation is enough to drive anyone nuts!

   It's been almost nine months since I saw my husband's face in person. Nine months since he saw his daughters and hugged their little bodies. Kassidy was 3 when he left. Not potty trained. Now she is 4. She is potty trained. She is in school. She can spell her name, recite all kinds of nursery rhymes and count to over 20! Arrington was just 14 months when he left. She had just learned to walk. She only said a handful of words. She is now 22 months. She can hold a semi conversation. She can run. She can put on her shoes by herself. She can play. And best of all she can say "I love you!" They are both SO excited. They talk every day about Daddy coming home soon. We have been counting down for a while but Kassidy is getting a grasp of numbers now so she knows it's VERY close. I love the excitement they show. They love their Daddy so much.

   I have changed more in the past 9 months than I have in the past 9 years! I have taken control of my depression and anxiety. I have learned to be a positive person. I have grown as a person, a mother, and as his wife. We have grown as a couple. We have made a lot of tough decisions recently. The most important one was deciding, as a family, that this is no longer a life that is in our best interest. Yes, it's a pay check, the benefits are nice and there are a lot of "pros", but to us, they will never outweigh the "cons".  We can't get back the 3 years total he has been gone (out of the past 6!). We can't take back the 3 out of 4 birthdays of Kassidy's he missed. Numerous holidays spent wondering what he was doing and if he was ok. It's our time to be a family. We need to move closer to the older girls so we don't miss so much of their lives, too.

   So, the anticipation is a huge whirlwind of everything. Excitement that he is coming home. Excitement of watching the girls see their Daddy for the first time in what I'm sure feels like a lifetime to them. And excitement to begin the end of military life. It has been a blessing. But I think it's time for our little family to move on to bigger and better things. And we want to do it TOGETHER.

Proud Mommy!

   So, here in Virginia we don't have the huge PreK program available like they have in Georgia. So I had to hunt for one. I was afraid we wouldn't get Kassidy into one at all. We couldn't afford to pay for one and the free ones are few and far between. I got super lucky and got her into one pretty fast. She LOVES school. She is sad when it's the weekend. Monday is her favorite day of the week!

   I worked when Sarah was in PreK and by the time it came for Maddy and Ashley to be in PreK I wasn't around as much. So, this is new to me. I have managed to slow down and watch my kids grow. I can't stress enough how important that is. Or how rewarding! I have managed to go from a "keep them alive and healthy mom" (just a few months ago) to a "enjoy their presence and day to day chaos mom". My kids don't sit quietly and play. They run around, they are loud, sometimes they don't listen. Sometimes they make me feel insane. But then, Arrington screams "MOMMYYYYYYYY!" from the back seat and when I reply with "Yes Arrington?" she says "I luh you." She doesn't care how exasperated I sound when I respond. She still says it.  And Kassidy fights me like crazy when I want her to practice something for school. But then today, as I'm cooking breakfast I hear her playing with the magnet letters. She's spelling her name out loud. I walk out and she had spelled her name out on the freezer! She got a bunch of high fives and a hug for that one! She did it all on her own. It made me realize that PreK is so worth it. She has learned so much in just a few months. We have all been sicker these past few months than we have in the past two years, but she is learning! She's gonna be just as smart as her big sisters!

 

Forgiveness & Unspoken Gratitude (Well, not anymore)

  I'm not going to start with a huge introduction blog. I just don't want to. And it's my blog. I can do what I want! I'm Heather...DUH. I have come a LONG way in my life recently. And I felt I needed a new blog to reflect that. My blog used to be The Not So Perfect Army Wife. Being that I may not be an Army Wife for very much longer, and the tone of that blog just didn't fit my life anymore, I decided to start over. I figured this blog is the most appropriate of them all to start with because it will truly show people how far I have come. It is something I have needed to do for a while. I don't know why I never did. But it was blatantly pointed out to me recently and I figured, now is as good a time as any! So, here it goes:

   I have never hidden the facts about my children from people in my life. It may not be the first thing I tell someone, but I am so proud of my kids that I can't pretend 3 of them don't exist, so I am pretty up front about it. I have 5 daughters. The older 3 live in the Atlanta area with their grandparents. (My ex husband's parents.) The younger 2 live with my husband and me. To me personally, the why and the how of it is no longer relevant. He made mistakes, I made mistakes, but all in all the girls are taken care of. They were not "taken" from us. They were not forcibly removed from our care. I had a lot of anger built up for a long time over it. Recently, I decided that all of that was getting me no where. It would cause my relationship with my girls to disintegrate quickly as they got older, if I didn't let it go. I love my girls. They love me. The only people I have to answer to, in the end, is them. I will answer whatever questions they have as honestly and age appropriately as I can when asked. But why be angry? I messed up. I made some horrifying decisions. I can blame it on being young, but young people do better every day. Or I can just say that I was wrong. I was. That is all there is to it. I can't change what I did. I can only change what I do now. I had changed a lot. But now I have changed even more.

   I got pregnant as a teenager. It caused relationship problems from the beginning. My relationship with my parents, my relationship with his parents, my relationship with my brother, my relationship with his brother and sister, my relationship with him. I was too young to know what love was and I was too stubborn to admit it. I tried like hell to stick it out. It wasn't meant to be. That caused even more pain and bad blood. Then I ran away. I can't explain it, I can't excuse it. I. Ran. Away. I'm not proud of it. But again, I can't change it. I can only forgive myself. Beating myself up the rest of my life isn't good for anyone. Do I feel guilty? Hell yeah I do. But my kids still love me. I'm their mom. Why not just be thrilled that they DO still love me and go from there? I can't punish the girls that live with me because I feel guilty that their sisters don't live here. That isn't fair either. I have to be happy for them. So, I forgave myself. Maybe I don't deserve it, but that's the thing about forgiveness. It doesn't have to be deserved to be given.

   One thing though, that DOES need to be shared, is gratitude and appreciation. And that, I have failed miserably at. In my stubbornness and anger, I have made a tough situation harder than it ever had to be. I was hurt by my ex and his family a lot. But I hurt them a lot too. That takes time to get over. But I never should have let it stop me from letting them know that I appreciate everything they have done for my children. Their grandparents have raised them for the past 7 years. They have taken care of them financially, physically, and emotionally. And even though we might not always agree on the way they do things, they have raised some damn fine girls. I have a 13 year old who is beautiful, caring, bright, talented and has tremendous faith. I have an 11 year old who is as smart as they come, gorgeous, sensitive, compassionate and curious. I have an almost 9 year old who is spunky, energetic, sassy, and adorable. When I say I am honored to be their mother, it isn't because I raised them to be who they are. It's because I didn't. I AM honored. Because they call me mommy. Even after I didn't have a lot to do with who they are becoming. I am glad they have an Aunt at home who can be their big sister and stick up for them if need be. Even against me! I used to take what she said as her being "a bitch" but now I realize she has their interest at heart. And I'm grateful for that. I'm glad that my parents are nearby and involved in their lives as much as possible. I am glad they stay on my case and remind me of what is important. (Although I don't need to be reminded as much anymore.)

   I made bad choices. My bad choices don't define me. I won't let them anymore. I tried to let go of the bad choices when I let go of the 2nd husband that started the downward spiral, but the guilt latched on. I refuse to allow that now. I'm sure it will be an ongoing process, but for now, it's gone. Guilt doesn't accomplish anything. LOVE DOES. I will always have a place in my heart for my 1st husband because without him, I wouldn't have 3 of the most amazing kids on the planet. But that doesn't mean it was love. I now am madly in love with my husband. We have been married for four and a half years. We have 2 more amazing children. As a group, these kids could rule the world! (Ok I know all parents think that, but meet my kids, and tell me I'm wrong! LOL) My husband loves all 5 of the girls. They are all his family. They love him. They love their dad. They love their grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and so on. I think they are pretty lucky. They have WAAAAAAY more family than most. And sometimes we fight over em cause we love em so much! But now, my goal is to work together. In a civil and loving manner. For them.

And to Susan and Phil: I'm sorry it has taken me this long to do this. But THANK YOU. Thank you for making the girls who they are. Thank you for loving them enough to do it. Thank you for putting their well being above your own when their own parents were too young and stubborn to manage it. You ARE appreciated. You are family, whether we wanted it that way or not. I hope to thank you in person as soon as I am able.