I have never hidden the facts about my children from people in my life. It may not be the first thing I tell someone, but I am so proud of my kids that I can't pretend 3 of them don't exist, so I am pretty up front about it. I have 5 daughters. The older 3 live in the Atlanta area with their grandparents. (My ex husband's parents.) The younger 2 live with my husband and me. To me personally, the why and the how of it is no longer relevant. He made mistakes, I made mistakes, but all in all the girls are taken care of. They were not "taken" from us. They were not forcibly removed from our care. I had a lot of anger built up for a long time over it. Recently, I decided that all of that was getting me no where. It would cause my relationship with my girls to disintegrate quickly as they got older, if I didn't let it go. I love my girls. They love me. The only people I have to answer to, in the end, is them. I will answer whatever questions they have as honestly and age appropriately as I can when asked. But why be angry? I messed up. I made some horrifying decisions. I can blame it on being young, but young people do better every day. Or I can just say that I was wrong. I was. That is all there is to it. I can't change what I did. I can only change what I do now. I had changed a lot. But now I have changed even more.
I got pregnant as a teenager. It caused relationship problems from the beginning. My relationship with my parents, my relationship with his parents, my relationship with my brother, my relationship with his brother and sister, my relationship with him. I was too young to know what love was and I was too stubborn to admit it. I tried like hell to stick it out. It wasn't meant to be. That caused even more pain and bad blood. Then I ran away. I can't explain it, I can't excuse it. I. Ran. Away. I'm not proud of it. But again, I can't change it. I can only forgive myself. Beating myself up the rest of my life isn't good for anyone. Do I feel guilty? Hell yeah I do. But my kids still love me. I'm their mom. Why not just be thrilled that they DO still love me and go from there? I can't punish the girls that live with me because I feel guilty that their sisters don't live here. That isn't fair either. I have to be happy for them. So, I forgave myself. Maybe I don't deserve it, but that's the thing about forgiveness. It doesn't have to be deserved to be given.
One thing though, that DOES need to be shared, is gratitude and appreciation. And that, I have failed miserably at. In my stubbornness and anger, I have made a tough situation harder than it ever had to be. I was hurt by my ex and his family a lot. But I hurt them a lot too. That takes time to get over. But I never should have let it stop me from letting them know that I appreciate everything they have done for my children. Their grandparents have raised them for the past 7 years. They have taken care of them financially, physically, and emotionally. And even though we might not always agree on the way they do things, they have raised some damn fine girls. I have a 13 year old who is beautiful, caring, bright, talented and has tremendous faith. I have an 11 year old who is as smart as they come, gorgeous, sensitive, compassionate and curious. I have an almost 9 year old who is spunky, energetic, sassy, and adorable. When I say I am honored to be their mother, it isn't because I raised them to be who they are. It's because I didn't. I AM honored. Because they call me mommy. Even after I didn't have a lot to do with who they are becoming. I am glad they have an Aunt at home who can be their big sister and stick up for them if need be. Even against me! I used to take what she said as her being "a bitch" but now I realize she has their interest at heart. And I'm grateful for that. I'm glad that my parents are nearby and involved in their lives as much as possible. I am glad they stay on my case and remind me of what is important. (Although I don't need to be reminded as much anymore.)
I made bad choices. My bad choices don't define me. I won't let them anymore. I tried to let go of the bad choices when I let go of the 2nd husband that started the downward spiral, but the guilt latched on. I refuse to allow that now. I'm sure it will be an ongoing process, but for now, it's gone. Guilt doesn't accomplish anything. LOVE DOES. I will always have a place in my heart for my 1st husband because without him, I wouldn't have 3 of the most amazing kids on the planet. But that doesn't mean it was love. I now am madly in love with my husband. We have been married for four and a half years. We have 2 more amazing children. As a group, these kids could rule the world! (Ok I know all parents think that, but meet my kids, and tell me I'm wrong! LOL) My husband loves all 5 of the girls. They are all his family. They love him. They love their dad. They love their grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and so on. I think they are pretty lucky. They have WAAAAAAY more family than most. And sometimes we fight over em cause we love em so much! But now, my goal is to work together. In a civil and loving manner. For them.
And to Susan and Phil: I'm sorry it has taken me this long to do this. But THANK YOU. Thank you for making the girls who they are. Thank you for loving them enough to do it. Thank you for putting their well being above your own when their own parents were too young and stubborn to manage it. You ARE appreciated. You are family, whether we wanted it that way or not. I hope to thank you in person as soon as I am able.
Well said Heather. We all make mistakes. That's how the learn & grow. You're pretty awesome in my book. Love you much!
ReplyDeleteAngie Chilcoat