I am home today with just Arrington because Kassidy has school, and Robert went to school with her. For the whole day! He did this willingly. I mentioned that we have to have a certain number of volunteer hours and told him how many we have so far. He decided he would go during his leave. I told him he didn't have to go for the whole day. He responded with, "Why not? We need the hours and I might as well stay the whole time." I didn't have to beg. Hell, I didn't even have to ASK. He wants to do it.
He is getting out of the Army in the next year or so. He immediately started looking for jobs in Georgia or as close to Georgia as we can get, so we can be close to the older girls. Again, I didn't beg, I didn't even ask. They aren't his biological children, but that doesn't mean anything to him. He loves them and misses them as much as I do. Would he like to go home to Texas when he gets out? Ummmmm he's a Texan! What do you think!?! It is yet another sacrifice he makes for our family because he loves us.
I know y'all are thinking, "BARF! I know he drives you nuts sometimes...." Well duh! What marriage doesn't involve the couple wanting to strangle each other once in a while? Yes, he uses one knife for both the peanut butter AND the jelly (this is like the worst thing ever BTW). He never puts the new roll of toilet paper on the toilet paper holder. He leaves the milk out on the counter. He tracks in dirt and doesn't seem to even realize it. But it isn't anything I can't deal with. We joke about it sometimes and then other times it annoys the hell out of me. But, if you truly love someone, the little stupid every day things don't matter.
There are some things we have to deal with that a lot of people don't. Sometimes we can joke about them, sometimes it's just frustrating, and sometimes it makes me very sad. We are finally pretty sure he qualifies as having PTSD. (Of course there is a lot more to the diagnosis and we are just at the beginning.) He has pretty bad hearing loss on top of it. Now a lot of people in my life know about PTSD. But a lot don't. Most people think loud noises, fireworks, etc are the only triggers. It can literally be anything. A crowded grocery store. Driving under a bridge. Your kids being a little extra crazy. And it doesn't always manifest as rage. It can show up as depression, anxiety, hyperactivity. The fun part, is you never know what trigger will cause what reaction. And sometimes a normal trigger doesn't even cause a reaction. So it's literally like your life is a giant game of Russian Roulette. So much fun.....NOT!
In Robert's case, he also has short term memory problems. We aren't really sure if that is caused by PTSD or something else, but it didn't start until after his first deployment. Add together anxiety, memory loss and hearing loss and you will find yourself in an interesting little situation. You ask your spouse to do something. He is sitting 3 feet away. Three days later he still hasn't done it. Of course you are frustrated and angry. But then you think, did he hear me? Did he forget? Or does he just not care? Being that I am human, I tend to get an attitude regardless of the fact that sometimes he really can't help it. It can be very frustrating to have to remember all the important stuff, especially when you yourself have pretty bad ADD! Yes, we fight. But we almost always talk it out. I have learned to truly apologize when I know I am out of line, even though my pride hates me for it sometimes. I have learned that life doesn't have to be lived the way I want it to be by everyone who is a part of my life. I have learned to adjust. It took me 31 years and a lot of soul searching and "Mom Talks", but I'm getting there. Sometimes I need reminding, but nobody's perfect!
I know that Robert is the love of my life. I know that he was put in my life for a reason. This is my promise to him: I promise to talk louder if I have to, so that you hear me. I promise to annoy you by asking if you heard me to make extra sure. I promise to ATTEMPT to not get mad if you did hear me, but you forgot to take the trash out even though I reminded you 3 times. I promise to ask you every day if you took your anxiety meds (and I hope you do the same for me.) I promise to freak out when the Army refuses to let you attend an important appointment that is needed to get the appropriate care,BUT I promise not to make a scene at your job, even though I will want to when they don't make sure you are taken care of. I promise to fight for you. I promise to do every bit of research I can to make you better or improve your quality of life with this illness. Once you are no longer active duty I promise I will fight the VA for everything you deserve if it is necessary. I promise to make sure people respect you and know what you did for your country and your family, no matter how old you are and regardless if you are capable of explaining it to them or not. I promise to be proud of you for the rest of my life not only for what you have done for our country, but simply for what you have done for me. You are my hero. Not because you are a soldier in the United States Army, but because you are you. You saw me for who I was and not what I had done in my past. You realized that I can be the most stubborn, "my way or the highway", pain in the ass, but that every once in a while, I let that go and can be a decent person. You saw my potential. You had to, because when we met, I wasn't the greatest person. But I am well on my way, and it is because of you. I love you with all of my heart, and will, until the end of time.
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